Monday, October 13, 2008

So I left you wondering what else was on this magnificent VHS tape. By the way, it's so annoying having to refer them as VHS tapes. I miss the days when you just said "tape" and everyone knew what you meant. Anyway, before I drift off into all of the things that grind my gears, thank you Peter Griffin, I will get back to the next wonderful surprise. This next bit is what kept the boyfriend intrigued. The credits for The Sound of Music are cut off by the Fly Girls busting a move on the-made to look like a roof top in the city in the early 90's- set of In Living Color.
Freaking amazing. Now this is good Sunday afternoon of tv/tape wathcing. We watched and laughed every minute in hopes that the entire episode was taped, which luckily it was. From Jim Carrey pumping you up as workout guru, Vera De Milo to Damon Wayans telling you that Homie Don't Play That, we were not in hurry for a commercial break. Good thing we were so into the show because whichever member of my family (I believe it was my dad) taped this, sat with the remote in hand, ready to press stop record when the Fly Girls resurfaced to entertain the live audience during commercial break. Although Fire Marshall Bill did not grace us with his presence, neither did the hiteous Kim Wayans, so I guess it was a fair trade. The show ended and we thought there there couldn't possibly be any room left on this TAPE for anything but a commercial. But we were was so wrong.
I see Jo. I see Blair. I see Tootie. And the other one, But no Ms Garret. However Delores Leachman has taken the whole Facts of Life crew to Australia. Yup, not just the show. It's a movie! All the girls are in college or just graduated from college and mind you, this takes place super early in the 90's, so the hairdo's and shoulder pads are bigger than ever. In The Facts of Life: Down Under Jo, still trying to convince everyone that she fancies men, has teamed up with Blair, her old arch nemesis. The two have to get to Natalie's (the other one) backpack because some mystery man had slipped something illegal and of great value into it without her knowledge.
Meanwhile, Tootie is falling for one of the only american-black men in Australia to whom she belives is a native. He is not, He is sooooo american. Silly Tootie. Natalie, believe it or not, has a guy interested in her while she is in the Outback. Obviously this man has had enough of giving it to the lonely kangeroos and decides to step it up a notch to Natalie who slightly resembles a woman. Delores is getting her groove back with some dish she used to bang back in the day. It all ends happily and so I am about to fall asleep as I believe this day couuld get no better because the tape has to be over! Then...
I see the back of this rugged, shirtless man in a barn and think what the hell is this? He turns around, It is Holden Snyder from As the World Turns. I snuggle up to this wonderful 1992 episode and watch what turns out to be the end of this glorious tape. Life really doesn't get much cozier than this.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

I recently found one of the greatest VHS tapes known to man. Right before we made the move from Boston to Brooklyn (yeah I know, good choice!),  I went through our movies to see what we no longer need to own, like Problem Child 2, and what needed to come along, like the complete first season of 90210: the original,  not this shit they have on tv today. I came across one of many VHS's without labels.  The first few that I popped in the VCR were some random specials that I had to tape to watch for classes in college; not very thrilling.  Then I picked up the tape that would  unexpectedly keep me entertained for like twelve hours (but really till this present day).
This tape looked very familiar. It was on the dark blue side and was super heavy, as if it were the very first VHS ever made. On the part of the tape that flips up in the front, there was a piece slightly cracked on the right. I know this tape! This is the Sound of Music tape from when I was, I don't know, 6. Although I am excited because I love The Sound of Music, this tape is way more that just The Sound of Music. This is tape beholds the greatest commercials and surprises I could only wish for.
The Sound of Music begins and I notice it is the Saturday Night Movie on ABC. FAN-tastic.  As the Von Trapp father learned how to love his kids again and Frauline Maria skipped along with her guitar, I was for once, awaiting the next commercial break. Ahh, here it comes! AT&T. Yeah, it doesn't sound that interesting but it really is. Just to think that this is a commercial trying to "connect" people because people care. Right. These were the commercials that had Mom receiving a call from her daughter on her... hung on the wall, light blue, home phone (obviously there was nothing else) while twirling the short phone cord (you can purchase long phone cords at JC Penney's) through her fingers. 
There are numerous phone commercials and many more having to deal with Christmas sales and catering for the holidays.  Then comes the kicker. The Mc Donald's commercial. The girl gets up to play the piano while her parents are in the audience and her "kid brother" is making faces at her.  She plays the Mc Donald's song, way before the "I'm Lovin' It" bullshit.  She changes the lyrics in her head which we, the audience can hear.  She sings about how she can't wait to finish playing the piano and get to Mc Donald's, which her parents have told her she gets to go when she's done; Think Mc Donald's. When she messes up on a note while thinking about getting her cheeseburger and milkshake, she is quick to blame her kid brother for having to share her fries (in her head).  
Just wait, there are so many more ridiculous, yet amazing shows/movies (amazing treats) occupied the next six hours of the mysterious tape from the 80's...
   which segue into the early 90's.

Please watch and understand how old this tape REALLY is:

Friday, October 10, 2008

I hate that I love Super Nanny.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

So Ma dukes (this is often how I refer to my mother) comes into Brooklyn to check out our new apartment. She loves it. we munch on the Thai food she brought in and we walk to the new bar on Cortelyou; Sycamore. We have drinks. We, as usual, get into a deep conversion about x, y and z while subconsciously ignoring our manly company. Ma dukes speaks of issues at work, dealing with both children and teachers. We continue to talk and I remember how I thought that teachers had no life outside the classroom, literally. To see a teacher in the mall or even interact with another teacher in the halls (talking about their personal life) was surreal. So when I had Ms. Mills as my sixth grade elementary school teacher, and she caught us passing notes she became the evil "real person" that we, unfortunately knew she was. She found our note, picked it up, and read it to herself. It said nothing of importance or anything fun or incriminating. I asked her if she was mad and if we were in trouble. I remember her exact words. She looked at us and said, "Oh, I don't get mad , I get even". Yeah, that's right. I said I was in sixth grade...Son.of.a.bitch

Late night.
Let's talk tomorrow.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The Worst Remedy for a Hangover

Being hungover without cable on a Sunday morning is among the worst kinds of torture. I don't understand these new freak show cartoon-ish programs for kids these days. Is it a cartoon? Or is it a computer-created character? Or is it an adult on his knees with child-like features? Maybe it's a middle aged man with heavy Drag makeup on. Whatever it is, makes me incredibly uncomfortable. It's so creepy flipping through the channels and seeing the little, old-child with rosy cheeks, squirmishly playing with what looks like a tellatubby but is really a computer animated child...with a bowl haircut and overly arched eyebrows. No wonder kids are more bizarre today than ever. Fucking frightening.
I know this question has been overly asked but, "what happened to all of the good cartoons?" The Smurfs? She-ra? The transformers? As I do miss The Gummy Bears, The Snorks, and my good old friends at Fraggle Rock, I wouldn't mind at least having a good, bad-tv, teenage soap opera to sober me up. The intense drama of who's doing blow where and who's dad is sleeping with the quarterback of the football team would be reason enough to pay attention and ignore the pounding temples in my head. Networks can't even deliver us that. They give us the new Degrassi. Thanks.
Really? I never thought I would say this, but there are way too many "Tokens" on this-not trying hard enough-show. To be clear, I watched fifteen minutes of this monstrosity of a disaster. The theme song begins (Ok, I'll give it that; there is actually a theme song) and the camera pans around to all of the characters: the gay kid with crazy product in his hair, his hag who lives on her own because her mom is an addict of some kind, the cheerleaders, the one character with potential: the girl who is sleeping with her teacher, the jocks, and some other douchebags.
Yes, this can be a great setup for a fantastically, overacted teen drama where, like the original Degrassi, some chick ends up preggers at fourteen and most likely leaves the babe in a bathroom stall. But it's not. I may have been out of high school for like eight years, but since when did playing cards become all the rage? These kids play cards. For fun. With no bets for cash. No bets for sexual favors. Bullshit. There is no excitement. Oh wait, I remember the commotion now. The gay kid took shit from the jock (obviously not literally or I would still be watching the show) for coming to school with an afro and no product in his hair. I'm sorry, but this would be a great time to segue into how the jock really like his hair the other way and then invites him over for tea. But no. The subject quickly changes.
For once, all of these kids look extremely young. I am pretty sure no one on the show is twenty nine in real life, and playing a fifteen year old. Herein lies the problem. I mean Andrea Zuckerman sucked, but at least we had some sort of opinion of her, and a strong one at that. I couldn't care less if any of these fuckers OD'ed and died. Well actually, that would be an excellent reason to stay tuned in.
When they finally zoomed in on the last few characters, my spirit was a bit uplifted. I was like... Sweet, teens that look my age and are kinda hot! They must have some real shitty, yet absolutely intriguing problems. Then I came out of my unconscious denial and realized how old I was. These weren't the cool, fucked up kids I was hoping for. These were the teachers at Degrassi.
Sunday mornings without cable suck. Thank god for season one of The OC on dvd. Long Live Ryan and Marisa!!!