Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The Worst Remedy for a Hangover

Being hungover without cable on a Sunday morning is among the worst kinds of torture. I don't understand these new freak show cartoon-ish programs for kids these days. Is it a cartoon? Or is it a computer-created character? Or is it an adult on his knees with child-like features? Maybe it's a middle aged man with heavy Drag makeup on. Whatever it is, makes me incredibly uncomfortable. It's so creepy flipping through the channels and seeing the little, old-child with rosy cheeks, squirmishly playing with what looks like a tellatubby but is really a computer animated child...with a bowl haircut and overly arched eyebrows. No wonder kids are more bizarre today than ever. Fucking frightening.
I know this question has been overly asked but, "what happened to all of the good cartoons?" The Smurfs? She-ra? The transformers? As I do miss The Gummy Bears, The Snorks, and my good old friends at Fraggle Rock, I wouldn't mind at least having a good, bad-tv, teenage soap opera to sober me up. The intense drama of who's doing blow where and who's dad is sleeping with the quarterback of the football team would be reason enough to pay attention and ignore the pounding temples in my head. Networks can't even deliver us that. They give us the new Degrassi. Thanks.
Really? I never thought I would say this, but there are way too many "Tokens" on this-not trying hard enough-show. To be clear, I watched fifteen minutes of this monstrosity of a disaster. The theme song begins (Ok, I'll give it that; there is actually a theme song) and the camera pans around to all of the characters: the gay kid with crazy product in his hair, his hag who lives on her own because her mom is an addict of some kind, the cheerleaders, the one character with potential: the girl who is sleeping with her teacher, the jocks, and some other douchebags.
Yes, this can be a great setup for a fantastically, overacted teen drama where, like the original Degrassi, some chick ends up preggers at fourteen and most likely leaves the babe in a bathroom stall. But it's not. I may have been out of high school for like eight years, but since when did playing cards become all the rage? These kids play cards. For fun. With no bets for cash. No bets for sexual favors. Bullshit. There is no excitement. Oh wait, I remember the commotion now. The gay kid took shit from the jock (obviously not literally or I would still be watching the show) for coming to school with an afro and no product in his hair. I'm sorry, but this would be a great time to segue into how the jock really like his hair the other way and then invites him over for tea. But no. The subject quickly changes.
For once, all of these kids look extremely young. I am pretty sure no one on the show is twenty nine in real life, and playing a fifteen year old. Herein lies the problem. I mean Andrea Zuckerman sucked, but at least we had some sort of opinion of her, and a strong one at that. I couldn't care less if any of these fuckers OD'ed and died. Well actually, that would be an excellent reason to stay tuned in.
When they finally zoomed in on the last few characters, my spirit was a bit uplifted. I was like... Sweet, teens that look my age and are kinda hot! They must have some real shitty, yet absolutely intriguing problems. Then I came out of my unconscious denial and realized how old I was. These weren't the cool, fucked up kids I was hoping for. These were the teachers at Degrassi.
Sunday mornings without cable suck. Thank god for season one of The OC on dvd. Long Live Ryan and Marisa!!!

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